Thursday, April 12, 2007

My Husband's Infidelity:

My husband received a call yesterday, which he was very hush hush about-- in fact, he was cowering in the corner on the phone, almost whispering-- making himself as conspicuously inconspicuous as he could, which immediately aroused my suspicions.

Was it my greatest fear (of late) come true? Was he indeed setting up an evening rendezvous, abandoning his wife and kids for yet another night? Noooooooooooo!

But yes, my husband, despite my protests, agreed to work the sound board for the worship team at church. Ugh!

Which normally, in a different time, wouldn't have been a problem. You see, at one time, I was just as eager to jump in and participate in the church experience as any new Christian would be...but after realizing, after many painful attempts, that I don't fit the "profile" of a pious Christian woman, I want nothing to do with it.

Point in case:

1) I swear. Sometimes, a lot. I heard one time in Bible study that Jesus would fix this somewhere along the way, but he hasn't gotten around to it yet. Shit.

2) I have an adventurous streak that nice, churchgoing folk just don't seem to get. I have no desire to scrapbook as my primary outlet of socialization; I don't sponge paint-- I could care less about decorating my Christian home with stenciled Bible verses on the walls, and I much prefer my Pee Wee Herman collection in the china cabinet to acrylic crosses from the local Christian bookstore. I want to hike, and bike, and interact with God's creation. And I have an incredible urge to shake my booty every now and again! If any of the congregation members we've met in the past 8 years has had an interesting past anywhere along the way, they've done a STELLAR job of concealing it. I like how my past has made me into who I am today, and I hate how much that threatens my fellow churchgoers.

3) I like sinners. They're fun, and they're real people. Give me an openly practicing homosexual anyday vs. a calm, quiet, constantly smiling, (vacuous), clammyhanded Christian, who will make you feel like you're from a different planet, even when you're on your very best behavior. I know these people are hiding something... I'd rather know what I'm in for when I'm dealing with people. Plus, I'm sick of always trying to hide who I am-- I don't have to do that with people who aren't hiding who they are, either. I figure, if you're always trying to hide your sins, how are you ever going to overcome them? You aren't. And those ever smiling, always happy people creep me out, big time. Zoloft, anyone?

4) I LOVES ME A TASTY COCKTAIL!!!! Where o where in the Bible does it say that "thou must abstain from the evil wiles of the Chocolate City Martini (a la BJ Wentkers)"? Really, when those tasty friends o my soul are $9 a pop, I verily shall avoid wanton drunkenness.

5) After many attempts, I have realized that I am not a fan of Christian music (Third Day is the only exception. That lead singer has a great voice and isn't to hard on the eyes).
Ok, ok-- you love Jesus! Me too! But your music is still lame.
Have you ever been to a Chriatian concert? Bizarre. You can hop around and do the "Christian Bop", but no dancing. Dancing is bad. And don't wiggle too much, either... Watch those hips!
And I have met the stupidest, most irritating folks at Christian concerts. I'm sorry-- if you have a baby, and you can't find a sitter, don't sit in the 5th row, right in front of the speakers, unless you have a special "hearing aid" fund for little Elijah. This is a bad parent maneuver I'd expect to see at the Grateful Dead concert, not the "Jesus Jubilee" at the Grace Church in Racine.
And no, I do NOT want to drive 50 miles out of my way at 1 am after a concert to find the nearest Krispy Kreme (with the Young Adult Ministry group-- dude!). I really don't think the drunks in Skokie thought it was funny that you were messing with them in the Drive Thru, giving yet another example of God's grace that you didn't get a cap popped in yo ass. I learned that night that downing a dozen doughnuts is an acceptable balm for the deep seated pain these young adults bear for their lack of casual sex and abstention from drugs and alcohol.
I resolved that night that my kids wouldn't grow up to be so gosh-darn DORKY. Kids, if you're still playing with video games and saying "dude" at 26, I will harass you relentlessly.

I'm just wondering what this new development will mean for Jake and my spiritual relationship: We've always cycled in our own little orbits; when I was a budding new Holy Roller, Jake wanted nothing to do with it (I think he was afraid I'd make him get rid of his porn collection-- and these days, I'm wishing I hadn't!) The Worship Team folks asked a few weeks ago if I wanted to do Power Point, which would be fine, I guess-- but when I told them I'd be happy to, since "I hate to sing, and it would be great since I wouldn't have to anymore", they kindof backed away slowly, as if my horns were briefly visible and the truth was revealed that I wasn't the full fledged convert they thought I was. Tee hee. That's ONE way to keep from being asked...

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