Doggy Dating:

Ms. Fanny came over this afternoon, and after a couple hours of gentle to intense effort she warmed up a *little*, as in "I'm not too happy about this, but I guess I'll acknowledge your presence if you're gonna keep bugging me". I'd say she was petrified for a good 97% of the time, but showed a couple brief glimpses of her true doggie nature.

I was very surprised that Jake worked with her one-on-one for the entire time-- he did really well with her.

But... he just doesn't feel that she's the dog we're looking for, and after today I'd honestly have to agree with him.

I miss the energy and excitement that Molly had, not just for us, but for everyone and everything. And maybe I'm mistaken into thinking that she'd have that same open-ness when she was fully grown, but I'd at least like to *try* and avoid getting a shy dog, given 1/2 a chance.

(and in this case, no one could say we weren't aware of her issues from the get-go. We *really* tried today, more than I even thought we would.)

I picked up about 5 dog books from the library (as is the custom of my people-- academic and nerdy, interacting with the world primarily thru the pages of a book), and all of them cautioned against the shy dog. I myself am shy enough, and in a very small way look to my pets to be the bridge between me and the outside world. I'm not enough of a crusader to be able to stand up for my shortcomings in the social dept and then somehow be able navigate the social quirks of my dog (which is why I'm such a hapless parent-- I'm never sure if I can deal with both their oddities and mine at the same time. I'm just not that coordinated.)

Anyhoo, all this "romancing the dog" hoop-de-do reminds me of this ditty I found at a gal's blog whom I find particularly acerbic and witty:

Ms. Fanny

We went to the rescue group today to meet with Ms. Fanny: she's smaller than Molly was, a little more petite, and she's SHY. Very, very shy.
So shy, in fact, that she cowered behind the legs of her rescue "mom" and barely visited with us.
This makes me really sad.
Jake shot me a clear "no way, Jose" look after our visit that broke my heart, knowing that without his blessing, he'll try his hardest not to bond with her.

Jake is forever accusing me of making him do things/accept things he doesn't want to, and I know he's 100% right. I also know, tho, that he hasn't wanted much of *anything* for the majority of the time I've known him, and life would be pretty quiet and empty if it wasn't for my efforts.

The rescue family is coming out tomorrow for a visit (and I should be cleaning, I guess), but I'm sad, knowing that although I'm certain I could love this dog and make her mine, once again it isn't perfect (and once again, I'll have to try twice as hard to convince everyone that it is. As always, I have enough enthusiasm for everyone-- but it's getting a little tiresome).

OOOOoops!

Ok, so unless lasagna and Milky Way bars are included in the fasting diet, I've completely messed up. Ohwell... so shoot me, already.

In a fit of sadness, I logged on to the Petfinder.com site in search of adult brittanys. As fate would have it, there is an adult female available in Oak Creek, a Miss Fanny (bananney, as I'm sure she would come to be known) And......... not only is she a very pretty girl, but she is a *relative* of Miss Molly!!! She came from the same breeder, and thus probably has a parent in common somewhere. How cool is that?!

OK, I know it's probably too soon to think about getting another brittany, but **I MISS MY GIRL**. I need another soft belly to rub and ears to scratch, a big sweet girl to walk and hug and love. Ug. I'm still so sad.

Rescuing a britt would fall in so well with my life long pattern of standing up for the underdog (and in this case, pun completely intended). I loves me a reject, an outcast-- I love to save the day. I would rescue 10 dogs if I could, if only to have a pack of cast-offs to call my very own. I love the chaos, the energy, the undying adoration of my dogs. But with Molly gone (snif!), I no longer have a pack, and it's just too quiet and lonely about the house. We have a tentative appt to meet her tomorrow afternoon; I'm giddy at the prospect. I'm sad, but I'm hopeful. And the electric fence is on it's way... but as the shithole of fate would have it, it's obviously arriving a week too late for my Molly. Boo and double boo. Boo times a million. (fanny bananney one more time. I'm such a glutton for punishment. She looks sad, doesn't she?)

Freaky Fast, day 2:

Day 2 is progressing a bit better than day 1; I'm not so hungry or spacey feeling, I have more energy... I had another blueberry smoothie this am, only I added some matcha green tea powder and some ginger to the mix-- which made it even more fabulous...
I was even able to exercise a little, doing the "Bellydance Workout" (which is really simple, anyway). I would have preferred to go to the gym, but since I'm taking all those "cleansers" (aka herbal laxatives), I'm a little afraid of leaving the house. But..... so far, nothing's happened. They say it takes 2 days at least to process the food that you've eaten prior to the fast, and this appears to be true. And, fuckaduck, I weighed a whole .5 pound less this am, only to find I'd gained it back and then some an hour later (which I know is BS, but an anecdote worth mentioning...). Whatever.

But anyway:
Can I tell you a secret?
Really-- are you sure?
OK, here goes:

I secretly can't stand it when my kids are home with me during the school year.
gasp!!! horrors!!!

It's mostly 'cause I feel obligated to find something spectacular to do with them, usually don't have any clue what to do, and then in desperation, eventually try to get them to do chores at some point in the day-- which they avoid like the plague all day long. Plus, they sleep until 11 (who can blame them), and probably don't want to do anything either-- which I think makes THEM feel guilty, for not wanting to do anything with mom. Boo. Ah! The great cycle of family guilt and obligation... it's never to early to start.

Update:

Ok, I've cheated again (altho, considering I'm making this up as I go along, it's really only cheating if I consider it to be, right?): I broke down and ate a Wha Guru chew, which is basically just nuts and agave syrup and wheat germ, and a banana. I suck at starving myself, having exhausted all my willpower in my pre-adolescent annie-rexic stage. (damn!)
I also completely caved and opened a bottle of organic wine I was saving (for just such an occasion, no?). And oooooooh-- the wine really hits you when you're not terribly full..... wheeeeee!

I've been reading a book this evening in my semi-intoxicated state, "The New Work of Dogs"--ironically written by a Mr. John Katz (snort!). His basic premise is that we, in our modern-day isolation, have set up pockets of loneliness that we look to animals to fill.
I could totally relate to that... I have minimal relationships with my family, very few friends that can get together and play, I'm married to an "invisible man" (a la "Deal Breakers"), and my kids aren't too excited to hang with ol' mom these days... so the logical thought, then, is to meet my needs for socialization and intimacy with an animal that can't grow older and tire of my attentions, can't argue with me over finances-- and unless it chews up my favorite shoes, shits on the floor one too many times, or dies unexpectedly, won't disappoint me in ways that humans can oh so easily. Ewwww.... sounds very pathological, yet so very satisfying. And since a dog won't care if I'm CHUBBY or have a second helping of cake, God love 'em, I'm thinking he's spot-on in his analysis.
Now should this information make me feel bad, somehow-- or just enlightened?
I'm not sure.
I've tried for many a year to make friends, work on my relationship with my family, my husband, do fun things with my kids, etc-- and most of my efforts were head banging-ly short of success. Bummer.

Sooooooooo, I've grown weary of trying, and I'm ready for my dog now, please. And maybe a vibrator to go with it, if it's not too much trouble.... (and a snickers bar. and maybe some Taco Bell.... that would be awesome! Thanks.)

Day One:

I think I've already started to cheat a bit on the juice fast... for breakfast this am, instead of juice I made a blueberry smoothie with soy yogurt, almond milk, ground flax meal, and wild blueberries-- tasty! I also had an apple for a snack and a carrot-apple-cabbage-celery-ginger-romaine juice for lunch. I'm not too hungry, but considering I've done almost NOTHING all day, that's not a huge surprise;-)
I've been waiting *all day* to hear back from a lady if she has time for me to come up and meet her 18 month old dog she's looking to adopt out. I don't want to do the puppy mess all over if I can help it, which is why I'm looking at an older dog, but I know that's what Jake wants. He wasn't super helpful with training Molly, so I'm sure that letting a puppy out in the middle of the night, dealing with chewed up shoes, etc, wasn't a big deal to him, but it was hard on me for all those months. But neither he nor I want to deal with another neurotic adult dog that bites... man! It's like a dating service, only it's for a pet you'll have for the rest of it's life. Here's to hoping it works out...

Juice Fast...

Yes, I have succumbed to the wiles of the "21 Pounds in 21 Days" theory that you can lose obscene amounts of weight just by starving yourself for a lengthy period of time-- how novel!!
Sounds suspiciously like an eating disorder to me, but if it'll get me past that magic number I plateaued at several weeks ago, I'm all for it....

So here's the deal (and no, my fasting books haven't come to the library yet, so I'm making it up thus far. How complicated can starving yourself really be?):
1) All the freshly prepared juices I want. I just went to the store and bought a bunch of apples, cabbage, carrots, cucumber, ginger, kale, and celery. I also have a boatload of beets still in the garden that I can use. Now that Jacob discovered how amazing the apple ginger juice tastes, I may have to fight him off for use of the juicer, little booger. I have some protein powder I can use and some silky tofu to mix in if I feel the need for a little more substance in my juice (is that cheating?)
2) I'm also doing a detox/cleanse using "Nature's Secret" Ultimate Cleanse. I have been soooooo- ahem- *stanky* since I stopped the artificial sweeteners, drinking coffee and milk, etc. I can't help but wonder if I'm detoxing a little bit already, but very slooooowly. I hate being smelly, esp when I'm in Zumba class and I catch a whiff of myself-- egads! Never has this delicate flower of a woman had the stink pits (ok, the "delicate flower" is a bunch of BS, but I've really never been one to even *wear* deodorant, let alone need one).
3) Avoiding meat (meat juice? I guess that makes sense), dairy, eggs, ALCOHOL (that one alone will have me losing weight right off the bat for SURE, once I make it thru the DT's. Exactly how many kcals are in a "Chocolate City Martini" anyway? How about in 3?)

I am only going to aim for fasting from today (wed eve) to Sunday eve, since I expect to have some pretty hairy days at my new position M/T/W. My lab draws are bad enough without trying to poke people on an empty stomach. I'll just have to do my best to prepare something nutritious and avoid the evil candy buckets strategically placed in each department to make me crazy.
Anyhoo, if this works, I've already saved myself at least $100 over the Isagenix program, which makes me feel all warm inside... fresh juices would have to taste better and be more nutritious than some "food-like" tablets and another crappy shake mix. The ingredients in the Ultimate Cleanse are exactly what I've been looking for, too, and I expect that it'll work really well with the other herbal therapies I've been using.

Rest in Peace, Miss Molly:

Last night, about this time, our Miss Molly was hit by a car and killed instantly. We laid her to rest this afternoon in a shady spot between 2 cedars, a spot in the tall grass that she loved.

We will miss her terribly:-(

Meh!

It's been a goofy week, but pleasantly so.
Yet...
I cannot for the LIFE of me believe that the end of October is fast approaching... and I've only lost 10 #!!!!! I've been exercising to megadoses of ibuprofen with much limping at least 3 times a week, watching what I eat-- and lost only 10# since-- what-- August???!!
I'm ready to resort to some more extreme measures, such as starting a fasting program like Isagenix, but the part of my brain that is somewhat keen on spotting a scam has thus far overruled my desperation. I've even resorted to coercion with my hubby, with wild tales of "I'll lose 10 pounds in a week if I eat only chocolate flavored tablets and water!!!!!" And while I'm sure he'd like to see 10# less of me (and should I worry about that?), I don't even think his reptilian brain will win over the cheap genes that make up most of our genetic structure.
And although I haven't lost a great deal of weight for all my efforts, I can see much more definition in my arms, more toned muscles in my thighs and butt-- which of course, makes my flabby belly all the more noticable (maybe lipo is the answer...). I guess a flabby belly isn't the greatest weight gain tragedy, unless you consider that my belly was flat only moments after both my kids were born, and that it took a job I *hated*, not the traditional baby weight, to screw up my body for these past few years. Boo.
I *am* worried, however, that when I lose the weight for good, I'll still look like a boxy Brunhilda, just a few pounds lighter. (I come from sturdy, fat, German people, so I'm afraid that when all is said and done, I'll still look like a chub, only slightly skinnier. Does that make sense, or am I the victim of the worst Body Dysmorphic Disorder ever?)

HoHo No!

nataliedee.com

I've been crabby in my head for a few days (i.e. nobody knows I'm crabby but me, which can get a little exhausting pretending not to be the crabby bitch you *really* are all day long) .

Sometimes the lunacy of the world and it's inhabitants really gets to me; the selfishness, the denial, the narcissism... (and that's just in my immediate family! 'nuff said).

Part of it, too, is that I can tell it's getting close to the "Holiday Season" (you know, that reeeeeeeeeeeeally long stretch of time before Halloween, which lasts until 5 minutes after the presents are opened)-- the season that triggers anxiety that it's soon going to be dark ALL THE TIME, that I'm going to be perilously tapped out for funds and stressed about $ between now until February, that I'm going to be coerced with much guilt to participate in traditions that are meaningless to me and mine (even tho we're the only practicing Christians in our entire family, but 'nuff said about that as well).

Some random woman came into my office the other day and talked my ear off, which strangely enough, seems to happen frequently when I work over there. She mentioned with much enthusiasm that she was getting her breathtakingly fabulous X-Mas decorations out this weekend, and bemoaned that fact that OTHER members of her extended family HARDLY DECORATED AT ALL!!!!

...as if that was some kind of blasphemous crime against all children everywhere.

So let's just get this out in the open: I hate to decorate!!

I hate to drag a bunch of dusty crap out of the cobwebby, musty, spidery basement, haul it upstairs, clear out all my regular junk (all of which is dusty and neglected, too, as I'm not a fan of dealing with the everyday crap, either...), find a spot for the everyday stuff, and spend scads of time throwing the sparkly stuff around, like I'm some sort of undiscovered Las Vegas interior decorator...... only to have to clear it all out in a few weeks.

Drudgery, pure drudgery, I tell you. Just more thankless shit I feel womanly-obligated to do in a long line of thankless tasks. Bleck. I wouldn't mind putting up the groovy silver tinsel stuff I got from the Target at 75% off clearance a couple years ago if I could leave it up all year round (it goes oh so well with the Pee Wee Herman/Monkeys Drinking Coffee motif I have going on in the dining room). We DID leave up the glittery disco ball I got from Pier One on mega clearance all year, but I'm not sure if that was a stroke of decorating genius or sheer laziness (it goes well with my funky e-bay paintings... but then again, what doesn't?)

Not to mention the sheer "I don't get it-ness" of the Halloween season. Wouldn't it just be easier to skip the elaborate costume and buy a couple bags of snack size candybars for your very own? You could get exactly what you want (leaving those icky peanut nuggets at the store where they belong), and save yourself the trouble of trying to pretend you're really not 15 years old and scamming for candy. I suppose Jacob's still young enough to participate, but he never gets interested until the day before, or day *of* Trick or Treating, and try scrounging up a costume THEN. And what's with all the dead people stuff, too-- the disembodied heads, the ghouls, witches, etc? Dead people are not in the least bit entertaining, and have the capacity to smell REALLY bad, and only the goofiest of the goofy people believe in ghosts (we have a whole group of ghost hunters out here in sticks-ville. OOOOOOoooooweOOoooooooooo. Losers.)-- and witches? Worshipping trees and the elements of the earth is not creepy, it's comical. And maybe a little sad.

Case in point: I went to a pagan gathering in my day and witnessed a "Pagan Wedding" that was held in the nude, and the happy couple had to hop in the back of a hot van while bound at the wrists and consummate their "vows" while everyone tried not to stare at the everyone else's wrinkles and rolls. It was naaaaasssstay! Especially when the betrothed hopped out of the van all sweaty and drippy; it was an ewwwwww moment that I will never forget.

Anyhoo, life is going very well otherwise. I've been working just enough to keep me from going crazy and being broke (I have a loooong stretch in the next couple weeks where I'm not working much-- God help us all! Nothing goes better with boredom than shoping and endless, cyclical rumination). I've been thinking about trying something different for the holiday season (I do this every year, with no success)-- maybe a trip somewhere, where we can leave shortly before the hard core festivities begin, and arrive back home just in time to have missed them all (whoopsie!). But I know that guilt will prevent me from making any progress. Boo (no pun intended). Any suggestions?

Later.....

Yay! Summer's finally over!! I couldn't be happier, 'cause it's too damn hot, and I never feel like doing *anything* for like, 2 whole months... this was a bit of a crappy summer, too, since it was either waaaay too dry and scorching or pouring down rain and mosquito-ey (I've never see so many blood thirsty mosquitos in my whole freaking LIFE as I have this summer. It was gawd-awful!)

For the most part, my life as I know it (gardening, baking, knitting, biking, blogging, etc), comes to a screeching halt when temps go much higher than 75 degrees. I'm not sure if was in some kind of coma for all that time, but I really can't remember a whole lot of what I did while I wasn't doing anything I like to do (working, cleaning and sleeping, probably).

I tried to clean up the gardens today, but we're in the midst of a freakish October hot spell and I was dripping in sweat (as in, profuse dripping in the eyeballs kind of sweat) only 10 minutes after starting... but I still managed to deadhead all the rudbeckias, echinacea, and phlox (note to self: PRUNE BACK THE ASTERS IN JUNE/JULY! THEY LOOK LIKE CRAP!!!!!) and spread the seeds in the prairie. I have a huge stash of seed heads in the chicken coop which I'd like to spread once Jake mows the prairie (so the seeds will have a fighting chance to get established)-- fun! I love playing "prairie princess", knowing that each and every plant up there was started by ME (a very God-like experience... and I am not a jealous God, unless too many honeysuckle or goldenrods take over and then it's all about death and destruction....).

For the most part, everything has been ok: jobs are going well, the kids aren't screwing up too bad (even tho ms. gracy pants got SUSPENDED from school last week; loooooong story, and far too stupid to repeat here. On a positive note, she got her temps license today, which completely blows my mind with disbelief...but we haven't gone driving yet).

Jacob has been vacillating wildly between slacking in his schoolwork and being mr. awesome... wtf? We have to meet in a week or so to figure out a "plan" for his "giftedness".... the plan is not even legally binding and is probably a source of much future irritation, but I'll give it a shot, which in my complete lack of emotion leaves me to wonder: Am I too medicated to care (and no, I'm not really medicated, but these herbs I've been taking for stress have taken me to a MUCH happier place)? Have I evolved beyond worrying about stupid stuff like this? Or have I entered survival mode, as in: "I've survived the middle school years and a kid who is a wee bit of a fuck up (purely due to genetics; the poor kid never had a chance and is doing 100% better than both parents did) and am going to take it day by day or I might just completely lose my mind" sort of mode?

I think that's it.

There are so many things I'd like to do before the cold weather sets in, like: take more motorcycle rides (I've taken no more than a couple ALL SUMMER, most of which were in the past week. I went to East Troy with Jake today, and it was wonderful!), a day trip to Madison (bike riding) and Chicago, a trip to the Chicago Botanic Gradens, ride the Ozaukee Interurban Trail, whatever and whatever... I'd really like to plan a trip to Florida for this winter, but we'll see exactly how much apathy the family shows for such things and how much it'll bum me out and if it'll keep me from making plans. Where, oh where are the fun people? I certainly didn't give birth to or marry them...It's as if my hubby and kids are in a continual stupor where nothing exciting happens and they're perfectly happy with that.... sigh! To be so restless and yet so completely tied down. Boo.

I took a few photos of the remaining flowers on the property; I wish I had posted some photos from earlier in the summer, but I've been a terrible slacker. Here's a few: