I guess if I had to use one word to describe myself, it would be "goofy":
- I sign up for stuff in a flurry of excitement, convince myself that I really want to go inspite of much evidence to the contrary, and then at the last minute I don't want to go.
- I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to please strangers but then blow off my family.
- I shun real life relationships in favor of back-and-forth single paragraph blog-friendships.
- I spend a ton of $$ to pursue things I really don't want (see #1, i.e gyms, classes, etc).
- I volunteer for things and then don't show up (the guilt is a killer, but obviously less than the effort it takes to just show up and get involved).
- I join groups that I know I won't fit in to to hang out with people I have nothing in common with, who I know will ultimately reject me (makes sense, no?).
- I go to church when it bores me to tears, hate singing (in public, for all the world to see-- worse than standing there in my underwear), and am fearful of the nice people..
- I somehow end up taking New Age classes and am then completely weirded out by how creepy and lost the people are-- and offended at their disdain for my beliefs. Why is it that sooooo many of them have completely absent/vacuous eyes, as if they have no soul?
- I complain about having nothing to do but then sit on my ASS when I have plenty of time to get out and whip up an adventure (usually on the computer).
Etc and etc... I could go on forever.
I also realized when speaking with someone the other day that *nothing* in my life fits together:
- fairly conservative Christian (+/-) who loves yoga, swears like a sailor, and adores most everything else no one in my church likes (art, dirty movies on HBO... and martinis!)
- nurse who believes in alternative medicine, accupuncture, supports not vaccinating, etc
- conservative politically with a longstanding interest in protecting the environment, organic farming, alternative energy, etc and etc.
And if all this weren't goofy enough, apparently someone I've recently gotten to know has me pegged as a baby stalker/snatcher:
I chatted back and forth with this gal via e-mail for weeks; I offered support and assistance with my background as a nursery nurse for her concerns regarding nursing, etc --even met twice for lunch and chatted in person for several *hours*. We seemed to have quite a bit in common.
But now that the baby's come, she tells me that her husband doesn't want me talking with her any longer; she's not interested in pursuing a friendship and doesn't want me to come and see the baby or e-mail her anymore...
I used to get *paid* to visit moms and babies at home, and never once had a hankering to steal, pinch, or otherwise cast an evil eye at a single one (knowing what troublesome little critters they are, and what they rapidly become has been a good deterrent). That, and it's fairly well known that I am not exactly a "baby person"; I've come to see them after so many years as a nursery nurse as, well, WORK. I'm not going to trip over myself and beg anyone to hold their baby... they all kindof look the same to me and are fairly unpredictable, wiley little creatures whose moms can do all the cooing and holding, TYVM, at least until the're about 3 and start running and jumping and talking and capable of more fun times than just crying and pooping.
I even made a super cute hand-sewed bacon n eggs bib and had the blogging ladies sign a card, but I guess I can file those away until I can find another pregnant woman to stalk and harass with my offers of trained support, friendship, and handmade gifts. Egads!
I always thought the polite thing to do when trying to dissuade a friendship that isn't going anywhere was to not answer e-mails, phone calls, etc-- not send a creepy "Dear John my husband doesn't want me talking to you in case you're a serial killer cleverly disguised as a nurse who also happened to attend the same church I do". WHAT-everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
An average of 1-2 e-mails a week does not a stalker make, but it just feels strange to have someone react to you in this manner, as if you committed some huge faux pas instead of trying to be nice and make a new friend. I guess that's the risk you take when you start meeting people on the scary in-tra-net.
But in this instance, I think she's the goofy one-- n'est pas?
Really tho, I didn't need another nice, Christian gal to bluntly refuse to associate with me-- and another Grace (church) lady at that!
Those women must truly be able to see me for what I REALLY am: a fairly normal person who refuses to pretend or perpetute the illusion that I'm perfect (a serious crime, I know, but one I've paid the price for in every MOPS group I've joined, Bible study, retreat, mother-daughter campout, and small group I've participated in since becoming a deeply flawed Christian. Anyhoodle).
I suppose I should move on, before I give you the impression that my feelings are hurt... (Totally not appropriate, I know...)
On a side note, I've learned so much about myself in the last two years, it isn't even funny:
Some tidbits, mostly work related--
- I don't like office nursing. I don't like catering to all the return patients, the endless phone calls, med refills, etc and etc. I love the variety and fast pace of hospital nursing, where you see new faces quickly, over and over again.
- I don't like working all sorts of different places. I want to establish a routine with set hours, days, work duties. I'm sick of having 3 different things to learn and do, with different shifts to adjust to.
- My kids need more responsibilities
- I am sooo spoiled with my pool wage that I'll face any permanent position with trepidation, as it would mean a significant pay cut.
- I would only like to work THREE days per week at best. I function so much better and have greater home/work balance when I follow this.
- I *hate* sit down jobs where I have open ended responsibilities-- I am not good at self direction and tend to flounder about in aimlessness all day.
- I NEED TO WORK. Being home every now and again is very helpful to get stuff done about the house, but it tends to make me melancholy--neurotic, even. I was feeling pretty blue this am, but after being at work for an hour or so and forced to be perky and friendly, I completely forgot about being bummed and felt 100 times better... cheaper than therapy, and pays better, too. I noticed quite a few staff were cranky this morning, too. Must be the weather... I dread going to work in theory, but in practice it's usually better than being home all by my lonesome, surrounded by things I probably should be doing (but probably won't, tee hee).
- I really don't like doing things by myself, except shopping-- that I prefer to do alone.
- I don't want any more things in my life I have to take care of. That includes gardens, animals/pets, plants, and, of course, children (see "baby snatcher" post above).
- I have too damn many hobbies; I am strangely talented at a great many things, but not exceedingly good at ANYTHING. Some people have a passion for cooking, sewing, knitting... I'm pretty darn good at all those things and more, but have no great passion or talent for any one thing in particular. Jack of all trades, master of none (in my private life as well as at work, go figure...) . Is it a gift-- or a curse?
- I adore my husband, the super handsome guy I'm fortunate to be able to sleep with whenever I am (or HE's) awake enough to.
- I am not so worried about my kids as I let on; I think they're actually pretty smart, level headed people and will end up just FINE. I'm the one that's overreacting most of the time, while they behave like normal children.