My Majorly Messed Up Week:

Jake was away the *entire* week at a class up in Minneapolis, leaving me and the kids to fend for ourselves...
Does he NOT realize that we are completely helpless in his absence, and depend solely on his mercy for our miserable existences?

Well, not exactly. But here's a recap of our misfourtunes, in chronological order:
1) I really prided myself on taking the kids to go skating 2 towns over at the Ice Plex; I don't usually venture out too far when the hubby's gone, since who the heck is going to rescue us in the likely event that I will do something foolish and strand myself somewhere?
We got down there ok, just as the snow started to fall.... and then 2 hours later as the skating session ended, found ourselves in the throes of a snowstorm with near zero visibility. Whilst driving 25 miles on the interstate, trying not to slide into the ditch, ever helpful Jacob was repeating "we're never going to make it" over and over again, which really calmed the whole group tremendously.
2 hours later, we arrived at home, only to see that the massive snow storm ceased less than one mile from our house. Doomed, we are. Doooooooooomed!

2) Since I am never 100% sure what my husband's up to, I wisely chose this week to pile on the hours at work so I can get the full "single parent" experience I've narrowly skirted all these years. After getting home so late the night before and taking time to de-stress before sleeping a good 5-6 hours, I slogged myself to work. Exhausted, I slogged home afterwards, looking forward to a little nappy-poo to freshen myself up before the kids got home. After numberous phone and puppy interruptions, I finally drifted off, only to hear Maggie CHOMP CHOMP CHOMPING on a bone-ish sounding object. Now, our house is pretty puppy proof these days, so I didn't give it a second thought, until I realized in my growing lucidity that the sound wasn't *really* all that bone-like, and just then Maggie came up and proudly showed me what she had been chewing on: a BRAND NEW bottle of ibuprofen.
YaaaaAAAAAaaa!
Quick! Look up how to induce vomiting in a dog.
Quick! Look up dosage! Find syringe, find hydrogen peroxide... find that hydrogen peroxide is 99% gone-- just enough!
Chain dog up, squirt stuff in her mouth, drag her outside and wait for it to work... and WAIT, and WAIT, and WAIT.....
FINALLY! She barfed. I didn't see any tablets in her vomit, but since she chewed the tabs pretty good, she still probably got at least a little in her belly...
Call the vet, rush her off to the vet, hope she doesn't barf in my car.
Vet wants to keep her for 2 days of IV therapy, I convince him that something less drastic is probably in order (since I didn't see any tablets in the urp), so he sub-q's her with fluids and sends her home with me looking like a lopsided camel.
Barf barf barf, all night long; green, nasty stuff that doesn't want to come out of the carpet.
The next night, she started waking up every 2 hours, soaked in urine, needing to go out and pee ginormous volumes of dilute urine. She also started drinking obsessively, yet her behavior continued otherwise to be 100% normal. Go figure... not exactly the picture of renal failure I thought I'd see..
So I leave work early on Wed to take her back to the vet AGAIN, to check labwork. BUN slightly elevated, creatinine WNL, blood sugar slightly elevated... nothing. Doc is stumped. In the meantime, Maggie is drinking and peeing more than ever, about every 15 minutes or so.

The Koehler household has now become a body fluid cesspool, pee and vomit, filthy wet towels dripping everywhere. I construct an elaborate fence to keep the girl out of the living room, since the day before she hopped over the living room fence and proceeded to dump out all of Jake's plants for the 43rd time, rolled the dirt all over the floor, and then peed and vomited all over the whole mess. Egads! Like something out of a horror flick...
It took at least 2.5 hours to clean up, and I'm happy to report that Jake's plants now live on the porch. In 23 degree weather. Wonder if they'll make it...
For the next 2 nights she was up every 2 hours needing to pee and have a complete change of bedding in her kennel, and activity which lended itself poorly to sleep and was a nasty chore at 12, 2, and 4 am.
Finally, last night I had an epiphany: doggie diapers! It's a wonder what an old stash of pull ups and a roll of duct tape can accomplish... a full night's sleep for the dog and I are only one of them.
I took some urine in today for an eval (to rule out a bladder infection #1, and maybe diabetes #2). Dr thinks it may be Addison's disease if nothing else pops up, but her urine showed rare WBC's, and since the sample was so dilute, decided to put her on an antibiotic.
Wish my girl a bit o luck-- kidney failure sucks major heinie.
3) On Monday, the basement flooded. Bad.
4) On Wednesday, I discovered that a pipe had burst, which was why the basement was flooded. Ohwell, better late than never... at least I figured *that* much out.
5) On Tuesday, we got the biggest snow storm in YEARS, and no, I have no clue how to work the snowblower (or the plow, which was broken anyway). For those of you who know us, our driveway is at least the length of a football field, so hand shoveling was SO not happening, esp since the snow was soooo wet, heavy, and almost didn't stop for 3 days.
In a moment of desperation I called a friend's hubby who is in the 'biz (the snow removal biz), who told me he'd rustle me up a guy to "take care of me".
Now, I didn't like the sound of that either, so when the dude called, all eager to come over and "check it out", I got a little creeped out... and shore 'nuff, when I told the guy I wasn't going to be home and to call me with an estimate, he sounded a little disappointed and a little less eager.
Go figure.
So wonder of all wonders I never heard back from him, and thus can't help but ponder if he was looking for a little sumpin' sumpin' for his plow job, perhaps not realizing that I'd rather chew my arm off.
But my most excellent husband saved the day by calling the neighbors from his hotel in Minnesota, who graciously came and plowed the driveway, sans sexual favors.
Hallelujah! There IS a God.
6) Tuesday was also a crazy day at work, where I forgot in my frenzy that Jacob had to be picked up at 3:30. So of course, when I realized this at 3:23, I had to tell the charge nurse "I have to GOOOOOOoooooooo. Right NOW!", while simultaenously barking instructions at Gracy on my cell phone to "meet me at the car, NOW"! She must have detected the urgency in my voice, as she did not utter one word of protest at having to ambulate a distance greater than from the couch to her bed to the computer desk. Jacob was the lone kid, left at school with no ride, so I'm sure it was evident to the staff that his loser mom finally rousted from her cracked out haze to come and get her kid. I dropped him off at his enrichment class just as the heaviest snow of the storm started to fall.... and was another 10 minutes late picking him *up* from class, as well;-)
7) Friday I called home on a whim to see if the kids had gotten off to school ok, to discover that Jacob's bus hadn't arrived yet, 30 minutes past his pickup time. Grrrrrrrrrrr! The poor boy has to stand on a fairly busy county highway that was especially slippery that day and surely addled with pedophiles, and thus I was none too happy that he was standing out there all alone for all that time. If the kid is 30 seconds late for the bus, he's completely out of luck... but if the middle aged weiners at the bus company are 30 MINUTES late, it's too bad, so sad. Another no win situation for kids everywhere. Boo.
I called the bus company to inquire about the delay, to hear the message "This is Julie's phone, leave a message". Huh???
What sort of business that deals with parents is that cluless about phone etiquette?
One that wants to make me crazy, that's what.
When I reached the Julie in question, I was short with her, telling her that if the bus passed him by while he ran to tell me it never came, she was going to pick him up HER self. Raaaarrrrrrrrrr! Pissed off momma, hear me roar!
And of course, completely terrified at my rare display of backbone, she told me "no I'm not".
Whatever, beyotch.
Work was soooo flippin crazy that day, too, that I wasn't able to call until a few hours later to see if the boy got the bus; but I really didn't want to know, anyway, since I knew I'd have to find the chutzpah to make good on my threat to Ms. Julie, and I really wasn't up to it anymore. Garrrr!
8) Finally, Jake arrived home, yesterday--a 1/2 hour before expected-- yaaaaaaay!
We went out for a lovely dinner at a local, upscale spot. Our dinners were nice, we had a good time... only to notice Jake had a DEAD FLY on his plate where his food once lay.
Soooooooo, I guess it's *not* just me with the loser luck... and somehow, that makes me feel just a little better.
p.s. I had a nice glass of gevurztraminer with my meal last night, and got downright giddy, even after a few sips. And wouldn't ya know it, I felt like DEATH warmed over for most of this morning.
I drank tons of water and green tea, and finally felt more like myself with 100% more energy towards noon, hurrah!
I miss my wine, but it's not worth it! Clearly, I'm on to something...