I have absolutely, like, ZERO readers for my blog, as if I needed yet another validation of my shameless lack of popularity....
But anyhoo, I am flat-out INTOXICATED at 9:14 in the pm on a fine Sunday evening. MY husband is gone until tomorrow in a primal pursuit of sustenance for our family; and altho I know it is baaaaad mojo to be incapacitated in his absence-- a drunken slob I am, and a giddy one at that. I am incredibly fucking happy to be on my very own right now, and I'm trying to ascertain whether it is due to the fact that I just like being alone, or if it is that I am enjoying the rare opportunity to do whatever I want, however I want to (i.e. waking at 6, hanging out until 8 or so reading and fucking around, and then sleeping until 10. THAT is a cool way to spend a Sunday morning, and who'd a thunk? And *how guilty* I'd feel if I had my peppy life partner home, who springs up at 6 am and completes whole lists of tasks while I slumber...)
In all honesty, I'd like a month or so to myself to rediscover who I am when I have no safety net to fall back on (and, no-- I don't mean forever. I'm mad crazy about my husband, contrary to my bitching... and I don't want to jinx it!). I want to see if I have the huevos to run to Hales Corners all by my lonesome in desperation for the fabled "Best Chinese Food Around" (a la "Fortune"), or if I'd go to the vast reaches of the art district in Milwaukee in search of Friday night entertainment (or if the rumors that I'm a hopeless homebody are, in fact, true). Would I run off to Austin for a weekend of narcissistic memories, as I used to do? Would I make the drive to see odd films at a historic theatre in Downtown Chicago? Or would I use "expensive gas" as the excuse for my evening date with the Blockbuster movie club? Who the hell knows.
I could kick myself today, as I was a mere block from Brady street on a pretty fine walking sort of afternoon. I guess driving in my car is preferrable to making the leap to hanging out in coolness in a nifty area.... but I have to give myself credit, as it hasn't been that long ago that I was too inhibited to venture to such places by myself... any excuse to hang out up there in any capacity is a step forward.
I've been lucky all these years that I've had a convenient excuse for not venturing too far beyond my comfort zone while the kids were young. I think it's time to start expanding THEIR horizons, tho-- especially since we've chosen to incubate their young minds in a rural setting. A fabulous trip to Austin might just do the trick... I'd like them to see that the world is SO much bigger than the limited one we are able to present to them. I'm not sure if it's the limitations of my perceptions, my fears about security, etc... but there's only so much I'm able to show my kids, so much less than I thought I'd be able to. Mainly because they don't travel well, because it's expensive, because by the time I get past the irritations of travelling with 3 other people I have no energy left to push myself past my own comfort zone and explore and share the world... whatever.
I thought I'd be in a much more secure place than I am now; financially, emotionally..... but it would have required so much more of a commitment than I have been willing to make, more costly sacrifices to my choices-- so the trade off has been worth it. I am poor, but I am sane. I am grounded, and so still have marginal relationships with my offspring, my husband. Seems like a fair trade off to me.