Monday, July 23, 2007

Television Epiphanies:

I am soooo totally calling in sick tomorrow; I worked 11 hours today with a blazing headache and a sore throat, seeing double all day from wearing an ancient pair of glasses ('cause Molly ate my glasses yesterday, little monster). It was non-stop running for 11 hours straight, and I still feel like I'm moving, even tho I've been standing still for a few hours now.

I'm supposed to be training for yet ANOTHER job in the am, and although I know I should never turn my nose up at paid employment (and I heard that this job is amazing, working with fantastic people), I'm just not thrilled to be taking on more responsibility right now:
I need a break. I'm tired as hell and resentful that I have been working so much, and continue to be responsible for 99% of the household and children, as if the fact that I'm skilled, knowledgeable, and highly paid still only qualifies me to be the resident underwear scrubber in the household.

I have become middle America in my exhaustion, and as such, have been watching endless hours of television tonight to numb the pain: I watched an hour of "Wife Swap" and an hour and a half of the beginning of "Gray's Anatomy" on DVD tonight, bleah.
I know that they make everything soooooo obvious in the medical shows, but I found such excitement at trying to guess the implied diagnoses: "Tetralogy of Fallot!", "PE!", as if anyone in the household cared that I used to be a whiz about all things obscure and medical.
When I watch these medical shows, I can intuitively see why I chose the "mommy route" over 48 hour shifts of a 7 year residency; the two don't seem terribly compatible, unless you have an incredible amount of help (which I don't).

Is it considered lost potential to give up a lucrative, rewarding career to raise your family (even if nobody gives a rip but you)? I've known more than a couple (female) Drs who has given up full time practice to raise their kids (or left practice altogether), so I know I'm not alone at acknowledging the challenges. But a part of me wonders what could have been, had I not limited my options in the ways that I did.
Under different circumstances... who knows what I could have accomplished.
But, no matter. I knew what I was getting myself into when I fell headlong into this situation, and feel confident that I will eventually work my way out of it. Someday.

I was also pondering this evening (whilst perusing the quality show: "Wife Swap", where a nice Christian lady swaps with a fallen pastor and his drunken punk rock wife) if the main reason I have lost intetest in the church of late was that I ultimately realized what bullshit my abilities are to fulfil God's plan to be a good wife and mother: since my hubby wants me to work (and be his "partner", as he insists), how is it possible that I can be available to maintain an organized, peaceful household? I can't, Goddamnit.
I tell you, he's gotten what he wanted; I'm working all right, but there's no peace or order in THIS household, and we've not taken a single vacation in years (like I'm going to tromp off to the wilderness NOW like we used to-- when would I get laundry done and the house clean if we're gone for the weekend? Who would pack and prepare for a week away when I'm gone all day, every day? No one, that's who. So we don't go. )
I love love love working and having $$$ to spend on eating out (who can cook after an 11 hour day?), pre planned vacations (Disney Cruise!!!), and paying for expensive stuff so I can get away with ignoring the children... but deep down, I know that it sucks, and it makes me mad. Mad that I accomodate what I know is wrong, because I'm weary of feeling insecure because I'm not giving my husband what he wants. And he's not happy anyway, as if there was some way I could DO even more, BE even more.
Anyhoo... (deep breath). Enough bitchin'.
TV puts me in a complain-ey frame of mind, and I really need a day off, if for nothing else but to finnagle a new pair of glasses, register Grace for school, un-register her for CC, figure out her transportation with the bus co, pay the day care (like I was supposed to LAST WEEK), get the dog in for shots, and any and all such unresolved family crap that is solely my domain, as resident underwear scrubber and bullshit juggler.

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